Courtesy Flushes and Toilet Humor

I, like most people, do not particularly like using public restrooms. They are dirty, uncomfortable and anxiety-provoking. You run into disgusting people with irksome habits, say not washing their hands after using the restroom; didn't their mothers teach them anything? Using a public restroom, unfortunately, is a necessary evil that is part of our everyday lives. We all have horror stories that we could share, but each one touches on the common themes of this blog post.

We have common problems that we all face when we make use of public bathrooms. We may have to deal with disgust, anxiety or fear, along with other negative emotions. This is especially true when we have to tolerate the quirks of the person in the stall next to us. Public restrooms also frustrate us when they are not in working order. Sinks may not be working or toilets may not flush. Sometimes you may question why they even have a restroom!

There is no beating around the bush: public bathrooms are disgusting! The floors and surfaces are often the dirtiest, making the experience miserable. There are often paper towels strewn about, making you wonder which employee is goofing off on his smart phone. Then there is the embarrassment of being the source of the grossness, as when you inadvertently block up the toilet. You don't want to tell anyone for fear of looking like a complete idiot, even though you feel like one!

Empty paper towel dispensers really anger me, especially when there is no hand-dryer. Once again, you have Jack or Jane in the stall next to you contributing sweet smells and cool sounds to the atmosphere around you! Equally disgusting or off-putting may be that person's loud personal conversations on their cell phones, usually laced with profanity and discussing their numerous legal problems. When such a person acts this way, you often prefer to deny that the conversation is even happening, treating it instead as useless noise.

Bar restrooms can be even more disgusting as you have people getting sick and vomiting on the floors. Then you may also see condom dispensers, making you wonder if the things actually vibrate, or even hold! Bar restrooms definitely bring out the worst in people. I once had the disgusting drunken habit of taking my drink into the bathroom with me and finishing it while I was taking a piss. Thankfully, I have outgrown that habit!

There is sometimes a feeling of anxiety or fear as you head into a restroom in a particularly dirty public place, not knowing what you will find! There is also fear of germs or contamination, especially during flu season! Restrooms at public rest stops are even worse than those in bars and convenience stores. They are always disgusting and unsanitary! Plus, they are frequented by rough characters, including unsavory truckers, making you want to get out of there as soon as possible!

Using a public restroom is often awkward for a man. If you run into a guy that you know - for obvious reasons - you don't want seem too talkative or friendly. In addition, you have the awkwardness at the urinals; you don't want to talk and make eye-contact with the guy next to you, for fear that he is the Penis Police, come with ruler in hand! When you're excited after seeing an attractive woman, it can be hard to pee. This also makes a guy look like a fool at the urinal! In short, using the men’s room plays on a man’s insecurities.

Women don't always relish the ladies' room either; I'm sure the last thing many women want is to walk into a crowded ladies' room dominated by useless drama. Ladies may get tired of running into gossip, crying, and snide comments. And, unfortunately, ladies' rooms are often crowded, because women tend to visit them in groups. Restrooms are awkward for women, as well as men.

Restrooms can even be scary or dangerous, especially in bars and rest stops. You may come across offensive graffiti, including X-rated comments, prostitute's cell numbers (think 867-5309!), gang symbols and swastikas drawn by losers who are ready for the Fourth Reich. In bar restrooms, for example, you may witness fistfights, stabbings and threatening language. Think of all the violent movie scenes that are set in public restrooms!

Using a public restroom can also be a source of entertainment, however. For example, I often enjoy using restrooms at area coffee shops. There are some pretty cool decorations in bathrooms at Cosmic Cup, Terra Café and Lit. While high on caffeine in a local coffee shop, I sometimes find myself deep thought - that is how I thought of this blog topic. At some bar/nightclub restrooms, you get to experience the drama of having lovers in the stall next to you! At 70s rock concerts, many kids were conceived in this way! The only thing that I don’t like about coffee shop bathrooms is when people like to tie up the only bathroom or to break off the hinges while you're taking a shit.

Luckily, there is often the option of holding it until you get home. When I don’t have to take the bus, I often choose this option! Then I don't have to become outraged when I see other people who don't know how to behave in public, or even what it means to be human. You often get confused or dumbfounded when you try to figure out why a person is acting the way they do. Your best bet is to use your home bathroom or to ignore what is going on around and head to the nearest public restroom.