Surgically Tweaking Our Personal Identities

For most of us, the older that we get, the more aware we become of who we are as individuals, made up of our own thoughts, emotions and behaviors. We come to learn what we enjoy, what makes us tick and ultimately what we want in life. All human beings quickly discover as children and teens their likes and dislikes, though learning our true identities takes much longer. It is easier to discover our dislike for spinach than to make sense of our tumultuous pasts. It can take decades to identify the core of our beings, including our personalities, weird beliefs and quirky behaviors. Up to that point, we are our own worst enemies, seeking people and things that do not benefit us, while ignoring worthwhile activities, such as poetry, blogging or learning a new language. Self-awareness ultimately leads to personal growth and happiness. I think of these things as I embark on my my 36th year. I may not be the wisest person, but I am determined to become the most productive, happiest version of myself.

My own journey of self-discovery and mindfulness was delayed and very late in coming. During my twenties and early thirties, I wandered aimlessly through life, not motivated to find myself or plan for the future. I have long suffered low self-esteem, and many of my life circumstances, including my mental disorders and family background, limited my personal growth. However, I should have been much more vigorous in helping myself, striking my own path in the best way possible, crawling out of the debilitating muck that I was mired in.

During my years of emotional and intellectual vagrancy, I encountered many people doing the same thing. Some of them formerly had structure and stability, before a loss or major disappointment sent their lives spiraling into chaos; they may have lost a child or gone through a messy divorce. Others lived a chaotic youth before successfully building their own lives; some of these young men and women had not been taught discipline as kids, or were rebelling too hard against an overly strict upbringing. Still others were lost souls who are lost to this day, sociopaths and drifters rejecting any form of structure or personal growth, opting instead for never-ending social conflict and frequent incarceration. This has taught me much about the paths each of us tread in the search for sustainable happiness.

  

In order to grow and change, it is absolutely critical that we become aware of our personalities, the core of who we really are. Our personalities rarely change much throughout our lives. As mentioned in my blog post about personality types, people can and do have catastrophic life experiences that radically change their personalities, but this is quite rare. Hopefully, we learn to channel them toward positive outlets, creating results that work well for us. Aiding these necessary transformations are the acquiring of new beliefs and values, as necessary. For example, the political conservatism of my childhood didn't fit my inherent personality traits of extroversion, sensitivity and compassion.

To avoid moving along the road of life like a robot, it is crucial that we think deeply about what we believe or value, and why. From our childhood, we have beliefs and values that are instilled in us by our parents, the education system and society in general; there are readily apparent social norms that children everywhere pick up on. Many things taught or handed down to us are useful in our quest for survival and pleasure, but we are also bombarded with multiple untruths that make life miserable for many of us. It could be religious beliefs that are forced on us, or various forms of bigotry that are handed down in our families. As teens and young adults, though, we have hopefully used our skeptical, rebellious tendencies to gain the skill of discernment, to separate truth from fiction, and to develop our own worldview that combines the best of our upbringing with the truths that life experience has shown us. A lifetime of trying new things will accelerate this process. Who said experimentation is always bad? 

For many of us, our belief systems change radically throughout our lives. I, for example, rejected my dogmatic Roman Catholic upbringing when I was in my early-to-mid twenties. As in my case, the more untruths we have been taught as children, the more radical the change has to be. Conformity is the easiest way to go in the short-term, but it causes great harm over time. This can be seen in the 46% of American voters who cast their ballots for Donald Trump in 2016, or in the great many people who believe that the Bible is the literal word of God, just because it's what they've always believed. If we learn to be skeptical, to question everything, we will become our own best allies, even if it means not being part of the "in crowd."

Nothing impacts our ability for personal growth more than how we behave toward other people. If we honestly recall our personal pasts, we will identify ways that we have always behaved, both generally and in certain situations. Maybe we are prone to lose our temper or, like me, to shy away from any type of interpersonal conflict. These patterns of behavior that have not served us well are our personal weaknesses. Such character flaws need to be addressed and overcome. We also look back on our strengths, the things that we like and admire about ourselves. These are things that we should capitalize on.

Thoughts and emotions control behavior, so we need to eliminate negative thoughts and feelings; anger and resentment never produce desirable results. We must focus on positive thoughts and emotions that lead to happiness. Once these are geared toward happiness and success, we can use our Impartial Spectator (our detached, analytical mind referenced in Dr. Schwartz's book) to select the actions that will benefit us, and then implement them. We need to ask ourselves if we need to merely tweak a few things, or to bring about a complete personal metamorphosis.

Once we know the direction we wish to go, we can motivate ourselves by formulating game plans for success. Like anything in life, we must develop detailed plans for remaking ourselves into the happy, productive adults we were meant to be. Creating a timetable for these plans will likely affect positive results. We can hard-wire these things into our brains by writing them down in a spiral notebook or on a word processor. This is largely what I am doing in my life right now, typing away late into the night. I am examining things that I have learned in my 35th year, and thinking about the personal changes I want to make in the next year. I hope to be the Phoenix that rises from the ashes, but that remains to be seen, as my blogging and social goals will take a lot of work.

In conclusion, we may have made mistakes and done bad things in our lives, making day-to-day life miserable for ourselves and the people around us, but it is never too late to change and to start a positive new phase of our lives, in which we experience tremendous personal growth. We can't control fate or prevent the consequences of our past misdeeds (such as fleeing to North Philadelphia), but we can make changes that will guarantee better results in the future, and a positive attitude that will make the storms of life much more bearable. Even common people like me can change their destinies at any point in their lives; it is never too late! Start being happy today!

Why I am a Birthday Person

As with most human beings across the globe, I have enjoyed my birthdays since I was young. It has always been a day that I have celebrated with family, good cheer and enjoyable activities. For me, it is a celebration of my person-hood and of the people who support and encourage me as a person. These themes have been a constant each June 5th, from early childhood to now in my mid-thirties. It is an excuse each year to let out my playful, exuberant side!

Like many of you, my birthday was always a load of fun when I was a child! It was a blast having my cousins over for birthday parties as a kid. I loved playing with them, since I was an only child and always felt it was a treat to be with other kids my age. I have twenty-four first-cousins, many of whom lived nearby when I was growing up, and were close to my age, so I had plenty of company! I loved the presents from many generous family members, along with money in birthday cards, making me feel special.

I can remember cool toys that I got for my birthday, including a kid's bike with training wheels when I turned six, an oversized bucket of LEGOs when I turned seven, a Micro-Machine set when I turned eight, and a Super-Soaker 100 when I turned nine. I am sure that some of you can remember those toys. Each toy kept me occupied the entire summer, until school resumed in September. A few of my toys were broken within a few weeks, but that is a different story!

In my teenage years, each birthday felt like a milestone, as I changed so much as a person from year to year. When I turned 13, I was in my awkward pubescent stage; everything was new and challenging. My birthday meal took on much greater prominence, as my growing body craved pizza, soda, pasta and other treats. For my 14th birthday, I received the PC game Warcraft II, which launched me deeper into the world of nerd-dom and medieval fantasy. For a couple years after that, I was somewhat bored and lonely on my birthdays, due to social isolation, but I really enjoyed my birthdays again once I turned 18!

As a twenty-something, I used my birthdays as opportunities to party and to spend time with friends, celebrating the onset of summer with the warm glow of alcoholic drinks, after a fun-filled, euphoric day. My parents paid for cable to be installed on my new TV on my 20th birthday, for the TV purchased with money earned at my Red Robin job. I loved all the channels that I got and sampled a variety of new shows! My 21st birthday was celebrated with my cousins at the original Starter's on 309 South; we played together as kids, now it was great fun having drinks together as young adults!

  

In my mid-twenties, I started my long-standing annual tradition of having my birthday dinner at Texas Roadhouse. At that time, this was followed by a night of raucous drinking and partying with my friends at Ripper's and at other places, including Bethlehem Brew Works and Starter's Riverport, where I held a large, memorable party on my 25th. I wore my new red Hawaiian shirt for a tropical-themed birthday party attended by twenty-five people; I still wear that shirt each summer. I wish I could relive those days; who doesn't!

I have always felt that my birthday rolls around at a great time of the year. June 5th is roughly halfway between Christmases, so it is an awesome way to split up the year. The weather in early June can be mild and showery, the last gasp of spring before we head into summer. I don't mind, because, as an adult, I despise the unrelenting heat and humidity of summer. As a kid, my birthday was near the end of school, so my big day was followed by the joys of summer vacation, spent playing with my toys, with my cousins, and with kids in my West Bethlehem neighborhood, very close to Martin Tower. With a June birthday, once summer ended, I would start looking forward to Christmas and visa-versa. I was a great system!

My birthday is my favorite date on the calendar, more important to me than Christmas; it is a celebration of me! Let's face it: we are all narcissistic and our birthdays are days on which we focus on ourselves and celebrate our lives. I definitely enjoy the attention and the presents that are bestowed upon me each year, along with delicious food and desserts. I don't expect these things, but my family is very generous with me, my parents in particular. I may have differences with my family, but they are very generous people. I take time out of my birthday celebrations to recognize their role in creating the man I am now and thank them for their generosity.

Knowing what I like, I now have my birthday ritual down to a science. I start my day with lunch at the Lehigh Valley Mall, followed by coffee and reading at Barnes & Noble. Later in the day, my parents treat me to Texas Roadhouse, where I savor my favorite meal of prime rib, medium rare, with baked sweet potatoes, Caesar salad and cinnamon bread; I even get up on the saddle afterwards and let the servers give me the "Big Texas Yee-haa!" after telling everyone how old I am. My chosen dessert is ice cream, either cookies n' cream or chocolate chip cookie dough. After a round of cards with my parents, I enjoy a new DVD or book. I surely make the day as enjoyable as possible!

Since I am socially aware and concerned about other people, I realize that birthdays are important to the people I care about. Every individual needs to have one day set aside just for them and their preferences; it is their birthright! Most people would agree with me; this is why every year a ton of money is made on birthday cards, cakes, dinners in restaurants, etc. I always send heart-felt birthday greetings to you, my Facebook friends, because I know how important my birthday is to me; I want you to feel good on your special day!

Let's drop the shame and just enjoy our birthdays to the maximum, not caring if the people around us judge us for it. It is important for our mental health and our overall level of happiness and self-respect. Miserable people are the ones who resent others for celebrating their birthdays, so let's be happy and stick it to the toxic people around us!